Data point to the real reason married people cheat, and you may be surprised
Have you ever felt an unnerving need, nibbling at your brain, to look through your partner’s phone? You can’t quite put your finger on it, but something just feels off.
Infidelity occurs in about 25 percent of marriages over the course of a lifetime. And that includes only extra-marital sex, not just kisses, flirtations or emotional affairs. So, if you want to give your best guess, some form of serious infidelity probably affects at least significantly more marriages than that.
Historically men have cheated at a rate about twice that of women. But the amount of cheating has increased dramatically over the last 30 years. Is that because of the internet? Many believe that easy access to so many people on social media, a smorgasbord of sexual interest, is the culprit, but actually there is a very different story playing out.
Cheating by women has increased by 40 percent over the last 35 years, even as cheating by men has stayed precisely the same, so women are driving this increase in infidelity. Why? Potentially, it's the shift in gender roles and societal norms.
Think about the show "Mad Men" — the guys cheated all the time, and it was considered socially acceptable. The women? Not so much. Even if women were cheating before, they weren’t owning up to it and, in fact, would have been actively hiding it, whereas now some women even wear it as a badge of honor — not a healthy thing at all.
So what does this mean? It means that cheating is up across the board. Divorce is skyrocketing, and the number of unhappy people in long-term committed relationships is higher than ever.
Use of social media has drastically increased emotional cheating and the ability to connect outside of work with colleagues, so much so that it is responsible for a 60 percent increase in affairs. Over 90 percent of women admit to emotional infidelity and 85 percent of men over the course of a lifetime, a staggering number.
So why? What is the reason behind this ultimate act of betrayal? The statistics are starting to show very different reasons than much of the psychology community used to believe.
Shockingly, 56 percent of the married individuals who cheat say that they have a "happy marriage" according to new studies on the topic. How is that possible, you might be thinking? It is these individuals who cheat without a serious emotional connection. Their stated reason for their infidelity was sex and a level of romanticism without an emotional response.
This suggests a slightly different explanation for cheating — a need for desire, not just sex or not even necessarily an emotional interest, but rather that excitement that comes with a first crush, a physical attachment and the initial dopamine surge associated with new relationships. New research shows that these individuals still say they love their partners and have no desire to leave them, but they feel a total loss of intimacy, emotional connection and desire in their marriages.
What’s the solution to that? Let's say you want to continue your relationship, even though your partner has cheated. Modern psychology and therapy, based on these statistics, now suggests that the solution is to re-create desire, not just sex, in your marriage. That adds a slight nuance to advice that has been given for so long by so much of the therapy community.
The statistics show that the need that isn’t being met and that has led to this type of infidelity is a need for desire and connection, and to be in the first throes of dating again and re-building one's relationship essentially from scratch.
Unfortunately, even if a relationship broken by cheating can be rebuilt, its chances of success are slim. The old adage, “once a cheater, always a cheater,” rings true, as those who have cheated before are four times more likely to cheat again.
It evokes the old adage, "When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy." Except that it's now true of the women, too.
Liberty Vittert is a professor of data science at Washington University in St. Louis and the resident on-air statistician for NewsNation, a sister company of The Hill.
Date: |
Topics
-
Top stories - BBC News
Married at First Sight counselling 'nothing like the real thing'
To what extent is the advice given on MAFS similar to the therapy that happens in a real counselling room?Yesterday -
Politics - The Hill
Jack Smith's 'October Surprise' was not that surprising...and that is the problem
Special Counsel Jack Smith has been accused of using a last-minute pre-election scandal to influence voters, as he has been unrelenting in his demands for a trial before the election, despite the ...Yesterday -
Business - Inc.
The One Reason Women Tend to Outperform Men in Sales
When it comes to closing deals, women are more likely to have an empathetic approach.2 days ago -
Sports - ESPN
Man found guilty of cheating ex-NBAers of $8M
A Georgia businessman was convicted Friday of cheating former NBA players Dwight Howard and Chandler Parsons out of $8 million after a trial in Manhattan federal court.Yesterday -
Top stories - The New York Times
The Real Loser of the V.P. Debate
It’s our politics.2 days ago -
Health - The New York Times
Nighttime Depression Is a Real Thing
There are lots of reasons your mood might tank at night. Here’s how to address the bedtime blues.2 days ago -
Politics - The Hill
Harris gets October Surprise
Welcome to The Hill's Business & Economy newsletter {beacon} Business & Economy Business & Economy The Big Story Harris buoyed by strong jobs report, port strike end An expectation-smashing jobs ...Yesterday - Kamala Harris -
Business - Financial Times
The surprising benefits of marital rage
How strong and difficult feelings might be used to strengthen intimacy rather than corrode itYesterday -
Sports - Yahoo Sports
Various reasons why Wednesday night was so big for the Phillies
It's rare for a wild-card series to extend to a decisive Game 3 but the Phillies' potential NLDS opponents will battle it out for one more night Thursday to determine the matchup.3 days ago
More from The Hill
-
Politics - The Hill
Harris promised to be ‘pragmatic’ — that means dropping Lina Khan at the FTC
Even if a corporate action is known to be legal, Khan will make you fight for it in court.28 minutes ago -
Politics - The Hill
Schiff says Trump-Harris race is 'scary close’
Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif.), the leading candidate for California's Senate seat, said on Sunday that he thinks the presidential race is "scary close," but that Vice President Harris can still win ...43 minutes ago - Donald Trump -
Politics - The Hill
Hogan says he would 'absolutely' vote to certify election results if elected to Senate
Former Maryland Gov. Larry Hogan (R), who is running for his state's Senate seat, said he would "absolutely" vote to certify the 2024 presidential election results if he wins the race in November. ...1 hour ago -
Politics - The Hill
FEMA Administrator on misinformation about federal response to Helene: 'This kind of rhetoric is not helpful'
Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) Administrator Deanne Criswell said misinformation regarding Hurricane Helene and the federal government’s response is "not helpful to people." In an ...1 hour ago -
Politics - The Hill
Oct. 7 forever altered the global Jewish existence
In the wake of Hamas’s gruesome attack in Israel, our homes, businesses and places of worship suddenly became targets of hateful acts, slurs, screams of “go home,” graffiti, assaults, gunshots and ...1 hour ago