Our four dogs sleep on the bed – so I haven’t had sex with my wife in 10 years

My partner doesn’t seem to care about our sex life or my needs as her husband. Should I have an affair?

I haven’t had sex with my wife for more than 10 years. We have four dogs and she has them sleep in the bed; I told her I can’t sleep with the dogs and she didn’t do anything about it. She has me sleeping in another room by myself.I don’t know what to do and I feel so bad because I don’t get what I need. I have contemplated finding another woman and having a private affair, but I don’t know what to do.

If we allow someone to mistreat or disrespect us once there is a high likelihood that it will happen again, and if we continue to allow it again and again, it will escalate. You have put up with this situation for far too long, and if you really want change you will have to address it urgently and firmly. It is not necessary to be harsh or create a big fight. Quietly and clearly state how you feel and ask for change. An example would be: “I care about you and there are many things I enjoy about our life together. However, I am extremely unhappy that we are neither sleeping in the same bed or making love … and I need that to change. I need you to prioritise me as your husband. If there are impediments to you wanting to sleep with me or to you enjoying sex with me I need to understand what they are so we can try to become intimate again. I’m sorry, but I cannot tolerate being replaced in your bed by our dogs … I need you to change this now.” Undoubtedly, there will be reasons and excuses. You need to listen to these things calmly then repeat them back to her: “OK, I heard you say that …” Hopefully this method will give you enough mutual understanding to move forward, but, if you reach an impasse, insist on joint therapeutic help.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

Topics

How I Reached Acceptance 7 Years After Losing My House in a Wildfire

A cartoonist reflects on loss and recovery after the Woolsey wildfire in 2018.
The New York Times - 16h
‘I am pretty much uninsurable’: My 20-year term life insurance is up, but I was diagnosed with throat cancer. Do I renew it?

“I am pretty much uninsurable.”
MarketWatch - 22h
The ‘Magnificent Seven’ companies just did something they haven’t in two years. Goldman says it’s time to make a shift.

Goldman Sachs finds an oddity under the hood of earnings season when it comes to major technology companies.
MarketWatch - 23h
My husband has millions in a trust fund, pays all our bills and gives me $4,000 a month. Will I get our house if I divorce him?

“He pays all of our bills, including all our taxes, from one of his investment accounts.”
MarketWatch - 1d
‘She is financially irresponsible’: My husband secretly gives our daughter, 37, thousands of dollars. She spends the money wildly. How do I stop this?

“My husband has been giving her money each month. The deposits from October 2024 through February 2025 total almost $13,000.”
MarketWatch - 2d
'My wife told me to date after she died - I wasn't ready for what was out there'

Geraint John says some dates have made a sharp exit when he's told them he's been recently widowed.
BBC News - 2d
My husband and I are in our 50s — and 85% invested in stocks. Is our strategy too aggressive for the next 10 years?

“Our funds and our tech stocks have done well over the years.”
MarketWatch - 2d
Reaching the Super Bowl Is Hard. So Is Our N.F.L. Postseason Quiz.

The conference championship weekend matchups bring more than just quarterback storylines to the table.
The New York Times - 2d
Stolen dog reunited with owners after seven years

Daisy's owners speak of their joy as the RSPCA finds the Labrador 200 miles away after being stolen.
BBC News - 3d

More from The Guardian

Israeli minister backs Trump’s plan to ‘let hell break out’ on Gaza if hostages are not released – live

Shlomo Karhi calls for aid, water and electricity to be cut off alongside the use of ‘brutal and disproportionate force’. We are pausing this live blog for the moment but for a full report on ...
The Guardian - 28m
Ukraine ‘may be Russian someday’, Trump says ahead of Zelenskyy meeting with Vance

US president also says he wants a return on US aid given to Ukraine such as rare minerals, in interview with Fox News. US president Donald Trump has floated the idea that Ukraine “may be Russian ...
The Guardian - 6h
UK and US fail to sign declaration on making AI ‘safe for all’ at Paris summit – Europe live

Countries have not immediately explained their reasons for not signing declaration. JD Vance continues, talking about “revolutionary applications” of AI and the need to deregulate to allow for ...
The Guardian - 19m
One dead as jet owned by Mötley Crüe singer collides with plane in Arizona

Incident at Scottsdale airport leaves two others taken to trauma centers but Vince Neil was not onboard aircraft. One person was killed and others were injured when a private jet owned by the ...
The Guardian - 57m
Trump announces 25% tariffs on foreign steel and aluminum

Modified US duties will be enforced ‘without exceptions’, said president, in controversial bid to boost economy. What are the tariffs on steel and aluminum Trump announced? Why Trump tariffs ...
The Guardian - 9h

More in World

Russian spy ship caught fire off Syria’s coast, its broadcast recorded

Yahoo News - 8m
More Than 175 World War II Practice Bombs Found at Playground in England

Although the devices found during construction work were practice bombs, they can be harmful. Officials said there could be more.
The New York Times - 15m
Luis Rubiales, Spain’s Former Top Soccer Official, Testifies About Kissing Star Player

Luis Rubiales said that when he kissed Jennifer Hermoso on the lips, it was just a sign of affection after the country’s national team had won the 2023 Women’s World Cup.
The New York Times - 16m
No 10 says it has put ‘national interest’ first over UK’s failure to sign AI summit declaration – UK politics live

PM’s spokesman fails to give clear explanation for decision not to sign communique but says government would always ‘put the national interest first’. There will be two urgent questions after ...
The Guardian - 18m
UK and US fail to sign declaration on making AI ‘safe for all’ at Paris summit – Europe live

Countries have not immediately explained their reasons for not signing declaration. JD Vance continues, talking about “revolutionary applications” of AI and the need to deregulate to allow for ...
The Guardian - 19m