My boyfriend wants us to move in together – but I need my independence and his dog won’t let us have sex
I used to struggle with living alone, but now I’m thriving. Should I give it all up?
My boyfriend and I are in our late 50s. He never married and doesn’t have kids, while I am divorced with two grown-up children. We each have our own place near to each other but he very much wants us to move in together. I am reluctant and feel guilty about it because I, too, was initially keen to do so. It was very difficult to find myself alone after my marriage broke up – I felt like a cast-off, a failure, and feared I wouldn’t cope financially. Now, 15 years down the line, I am very content because not only have I coped, I have thrived. I have a happy social life, enjoy my work and am part of a community. I also love – need even – my own space and time alone. Although my partner and I enjoy our time together, some issues that I can live with for a couple of evenings a week would be a burden to me on a 24/7 basis. For instance, he has a big dog who sleeps in the bedroom and interrupts every cuddle, making intimacy awkward and rare. I have tried talking about these issues, but he won’t engage. What can I do? I fear I’ll lose him if I tell him I don’t want us to move in together.
Why would you even consider jeopardising the self-sufficient life you have worked hard to achieve? You already know it would not work. It sounds as though he would have to step up a long way to be worthy of sharing your life, so you could tell him that – without making any promises. He is going to try to cajole you because he wants an easy life on his own terms, but what would you get out of it? Sometimes people think the availability of regular sex in a shared location is highly desirable, but it can come at far too high a price. You know what you want. Stay strong. Say a quiet “no” as one does to a whiny child, and even be prepared to lose him with a great plan B.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
Continue reading...-
My phone knows what I want before I do. That should be worrying – but it’s oddly comforting | Emma Beddington
On the downside, all my personal data is being harvested by faceless corporations. On the up, I’ve got a little parent in my pocket, anticipating my every need. I awoke recently to one of those ...The Guardian - 1d -
The one change that worked: I committed to therapy – and began to chip away at my grief and depression
When my mother died, my mental health fell into decline. I tried everything from CBT to mindfulness, until one day something finally shifted. I used to think I was great at therapy. From 17 to 23, ...The Guardian - 1d -
What are smartphones stealing from us? When mine was taken away, I found out | Alexander Hurst
As a Paris film extra, I surrendered my device and discovered the extraordinary connections I miss while staring at my screen. A few Thursdays ago was a wrap. For my brief acting career, that is. ...The Guardian - 1d -
I adore my children. I’m also scared that one day my son will kill me
In the UK, more than 170 women have been murdered by their sons in the past 15 years. An anonymous mother reveals what it is like to be frightened of your child while desperately wanting to support ...The Guardian - 3d -
I was crying, anxious, exhausted – why did no one warn me about the new-pet blues?
After weeks of looking forward to getting a cat, I was shocked at how miserable I was with Leo on the scene. But many cat and dog owners struggle to cope. As I sat on the sofa with my sister, my ...The Guardian - 1d -
Every Move I Make, She’ll Be Watching Me
At 50, am I too old to be sharing my location with my mother?The New York Times - 4d -
I fled our $2.2M home due to domestic abuse. I’m on the loan, but we’re both on the title. My husband won’t sell. What now?
“He contributed a $1 million down payment. I mortgaged the rest in my name.”MarketWatch - 2d -
My husband plans to leave his estate to his adult son, who steals his credit card to gamble online. What can I do?
“Dementia runs in my husband’s family. My husband’s son has been known to take money from his dad without permission.”MarketWatch - 1d -
My 10-Day Crash Course on Surviving the Apocalypse
I wanted to learn how to prepare for disaster. It turned out I needed skills, yes — but the first thing was learning how to breathe.The New York Times - 13h
More from The Guardian
-
Ukraine agrees to 30-day ceasefire as US prepares to lift military aid restrictions
Joint statement says ‘ball is now in Russia’s court’ as two countries also revive plans for minerals deal. Europe live – latest updates Ukraine said it was ready to accept an immediate 30-day ...The Guardian - 3h -
‘Global weirding’: climate whiplash hitting world’s biggest cities, study reveals
Swings between drought and floods striking from Dallas to Shanghai, while Madrid and Cairo are among cities whose climate has flipped. Climate whiplash is already hitting major cities around the ...The Guardian - 3h -
US education department to lay off 1,300 people as Trump vows to close agency
Firings announced Tuesday as administration decried as ‘detached from how Americans live’. The US Department of Education intends to lay off nearly half of its workforce. The layoffs of 1,300 ...The Guardian - 1h -
Australian man survives 100 days with artificial heart in world-first success
Sydney surgeons ‘enormously proud’ after patient in his 40s receives the Australian-designed implant designed as a bridge before donor heart. Follow our Australia news live blog for latest ...The Guardian - 4h -
Donnarumma denies Liverpool and Núñez to send PSG through on penalties
Luis Enrique exploded across the Anfield pitch when Désiré Doué struck the winning penalty and was still leaping on Paris Saint-Germain players and officials when they headed down the tunnel five ...The Guardian - 4h
More in World
-
Trump administration briefing: education department to be halved as Trump walks back Canada tariffs
Education secretary Linda McMahon describes layoffs as ‘significant step towards restoring greatness’ – key US politics stories from Tuesday at a glance. The US Department of Education intends ...The Guardian - 39m -
Police launch new search for fugitive father and children missing in New Zealand wilderness for three years
Over the next few days police will be ‘present’ in the remote Marokopa area where Tom Phillips and his three children are believed to be hiding. New Zealand police are launching a fresh operation ...The Guardian - 51m -
Footage of Myanmar ethnic group scuffle misrepresented as Bangladesh army infighting
Yahoo News - 56m -
Northern Territory’s growing saltwater crocodile population gorging on nine times more prey than 50 years ago
Research shows apex predators are increasing in numbers and excreting important nutrients into Top End waterways. Follow our Australia news live blog for latest updates Get our breaking news ...The Guardian - 1h -
U.S.A.I.D. Official Orders Employees to Shred or Burn Classified and Personnel Records
Union representatives demanded that the aid agency follow the law stated in the Federal Records Act. Defense lawyers argued that officials had not destroyed personnel records and would not destroy ...The New York Times - 1h
