My wife is my best friend. How do I tell her I want an open marriage?
I want us to stay together, but our sex drives are very different and I need to feel desired without the guilt of a secret affair
I am a thirtysomething woman and have been with my partner for six years – we’ve been married for about half that time. In many ways, we have a wonderful marriage: she is my best friend as well as my wife. The issue is our sex life. She has a very low sex drive, whereas mine is high. She won’t ever instigate sex, due to past trauma, and I can no longer tolerate always being the one doing the chasing. As a result, our sex life is pretty dead in the water. I do not want to end our marriage, but I want to be desired. We have tried to talk about this, but nothing ever really changes and I am now at the point where I have become less and less attracted to her sexually and we’ve both stopped trying. Last year, I developed an infatuation with someone at work. It lasted for a year and I spent a lot of time imagining what it would be like to be with her. It has died down only because I have distanced myself from her. But it made me realise how much I want to have sex with someone else. I have no idea how to go about telling my wife that I want to stay married, but sleep with other people – yet I don’t think I could live with the guilt if I had a secret affair.
You have reached a point where you need to act. Mismatched levels of desire commonly occur in relationships, but when only one partner is willing to take steps to create more sexual parity, nothing is likely to change short of an ultimatum. You will have to talk seriously to her in a non-blaming, non-confrontational manner and be frank about your feelings. Ask her to seek some help and let her know you are willing to support her journey, whether it is an individual struggle (therapy for her past trauma would probably be very helpful), or a couples issue that needs to be addressed. Start off by doing your best to reassure her about your love for her and your desire to stay married.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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