I wake up aroused – but can’t maintain it to make love to my wife

Anxiety is getting the better of me. What can I do to combat it and get my confidence back?

I often wake up with a good erection, but when I try to make love with my wife I get all hot and clammy and it withers. It’s a similar feeling to when I was learning to swim, or trying to ride a bike when the stabilisers were removed and you go all wobbly and anxious. How can I get my confidence back to stay hard?

The anxiety you feel at times when you are expecting your penis to perform is actually ensuring that you are less likely to achieve an erection. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Some men find that learning to reduce their anxiety at such times can improve their ability to have erections. Others find that talking to their doctor about the possibility of being prescribed a drug to help erectile functioning can provide the erectile support they need, and reduce anxiety. Sometimes there is an underlying medical, relational or psychological issue that is inhibiting a man’s erectile capacity, so it is really worth having a medical workup and checking in with a sexual therapist. You do not have to continue suffering; seek some help.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

Topics

Will my loved ones have to pay tax on my pension when I die?

I’m worried about the new rules that mean my pension is subject to inheritance tax
Financial Times - 3h
Guéhi avoids FA charge for 'I love Jesus' armband

Crystal Palace and England centre-back Marc Guehi could face an FA charge after writing "I love Jesus" on his rainbow-coloured captain's armband.
ESPN - 13h
Marc Guéhi risks FA punishment after another message on rainbow armband

Palace captain wrote ‘Jesus loves you’ on his armband He had already been warned about message on Saturday Marc Guéhi is likely to face punishment from the Football Association after the Crystal ...
The Guardian - 8h
‘I want to enjoy the rest of my years’: I’m 65, retired and own my home. I have $300,000 to invest. What should I do with it?

“Is the stock market reliable?”
MarketWatch - 17h
Make-up artist Lisa Eldridge on how to gift beauty products

Body lotions, bath salts and Gua Sha tools are easy wins, or step up your game with niche cosmetic brands and pampering treatments
Financial Times - 3h
Ilona Maher on joining Bristol: ‘I feel like the first day of school. I’m nervous. But this is what I love’

The US sevens superstar is turning to 15s in Premiership Women’s Rugby and says she may use a sports psychologist to deal with the added scrutiny. The deal is signed, sealed and delivered. Ilona ...
The Guardian - 1d
My children don’t care about me. I’m 61 and want to rewrite my will. Where do I start?

“I do not see myself living with my children at the end of my life.”
MarketWatch - 1d
Amorim tells United fans: 'I don't like my chant'

Ruben Amorim has said he is uncomfortable with Manchester United fans singing his name and would rather they showed their support for the players rather than the coach.
ESPN - 20h
How can I avoid paying interest on my credit card?

Interest charges can cause your balance to balloon quickly, but these strategies can reduce those extra costs.
CBS News - 15h

I wake up aroused – but can’t maintain it to make love to my wife

Topics

Related

Will my loved ones have to pay tax on my pension when I die?

Guéhi avoids FA charge for 'I love Jesus' armband

Marc Guéhi risks FA punishment after another message on rainbow armband

‘I want to enjoy the rest of my years’: I’m 65, retired and own my home. I have $300,000 to invest. What should I do with it?

Make-up artist Lisa Eldridge on how to gift beauty products

Ilona Maher on joining Bristol: ‘I feel like the first day of school. I’m nervous. But this is what I love’

My children don’t care about me. I’m 61 and want to rewrite my will. Where do I start?

Amorim tells United fans: 'I don't like my chant'

How can I avoid paying interest on my credit card?

More from The Guardian

South Korea’s president, Yoon Suk Yeol, facing impeachment after martial law shock

‘We’ve seen this before’: residents of rebel-held Aleppo fear regime onslaught

Trump cites Hunter Biden pardon in request to dismiss hush-money case

Protection deal for Amazon rainforest in peril as big business turns up heat

Donna Nelson, who claims she was love scam victim, jailed for smuggling drugs into Japan