I no longer have any sexual desire – and now my husband is talking about a threesome

I want him to be happy but we have young children and sex feels like a chore. What should I do?

I have been married for three years and no longer have any sexual desire. I am deeply in love, but my husband says I have stopped initiating physical intimacy and he hasn’t felt wanted for a long time. We have very young children, so I am exhausted all the time. He fantasises about exotic romps whereas I dream of a hot meal, shower and a nap. I don’t have any support from family or friends for our children, let alone myself, but I really want my husband to be happy and satisfied. Every time he brings up sex, it feels like just one more thing on my list of chores, and it’s always late at night when I’m trying to sleep. I thought I was having difficulty juggling life with kids, but he insists I’ve been pulling away ever since we got married. My family disowned me when I decided to get married, and I would be lying if I said that we had an easy-going relationship, but there is mad love here. I find him very attractive – I just don’t act on it for some reason. He gets very upset and is now talking about adding other people into the mix, which is something I have never wanted.

Please understand that, given your family situation, it is to be expected that you would not feel sexually eager at this time. It is very common for exhaustion, plus post-birth hormonal changes, to reduce desire. You need to calmly educate your husband about this and ask him to be more patient. It is understandable that he misses the enthusiastic sexuality you previously enjoyed together but it is unfair of him to complain and make you feel uneasy by proposing new adventures such as an unwanted threesome. Your sex drive will eventually return, but in the meantime perhaps you could ask him to help ease your childcare burden by helping you more. On the other hand, perhaps he is struggling with the shift of your focus from him to your infants. Many men experience a sense of loss and sadness during this time. Talk with him gently about this, and give him an opportunity to express it. You might ask him a question such as: “You have expressed frustration that our sex life is not the same as it was before we had children, but can you also help me to understand your feelings about the general changes in our lives since we started our family?”

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

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