My wife and I haven’t had sex for three years – but I still have a healthy libido
We used to have sex once a week on a Sunday, but since the menopause there has been no choice but to abstain. What can I do?
My wife and I are in our late 50s, have been married for 20 years and have two children. Our sex life dwindled for a while, then ground to a halt around three years ago. When we were younger, I was very much in love with her and willing to live with our very different levels of sexual need and adventurism. Sleeping together happened almost exclusively on Sunday nights in the dark. She has always found sex in any position other than missionary to be painful. She finds oral sex to orgasm “disgusting” and since the menopause hit there has been no alternative but to abstain. I have a healthy sex drive and want to have what I would regard as a normal sex life again. In addition, we have a very different sense of humour and have often argued. I am the one who has initiated talking about our problems and we have had couples counselling, but it was inconclusive (I believe because we never talked about the elephant in the room that is our sex life). I can’t see how we can become even slightly more compatible when we are so different. I ask myself how we survived for this length of time, but then feel guilty for wanting more, probably with someone else.
Couples counselling can help bring people together, but it can also help by being a path to separation. It seems as though that is secretly what you want, and in that case it would be only fair to tell your wife exactly how you are feeling. But also consider that your wife is experiencing menopause and needs your help and understanding. And experiencing pain during intercourse is something that should be investigated. Perhaps she would return to counselling or even agree to sex therapy, which could really help you both. There are many possible reasons why you have drifted apart but, like many other couples, you have simply tried to adapt and bury feelings that ideally should have been addressed some time ago. Being helped to truly understand each other better and appreciate each other’s current dilemma could be very beneficial to your relationship, so do your best to encourage her kindly to join you in seeking answers.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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