I feel happier and healthier when not around my mother | Ask Philippa
When parental relationships fall short of fulfilling our own emotional needs, they can leave us feeling at fault
The question I’m overwhelmed by fear, shame, guilt and anxiety about my relationship with my mum. Recently, I had to isolate for health reasons and (as was the case during the lockdowns), being apart revealed the relief and peace I felt without her presence. My mum was sympathetic about my illness, but she made out it affected her more than it did me, my partner and child.
Since childhood, I’ve been her emotional carer, hoping she might one day support me. Therapy helped me see I need boundaries, but attempts to set them were met with resistance, manipulation or dismissal. Her struggles with mental health and past trauma are undeniable, but they’ve left me feeling burdened, unsupported and resentful. I love her, yet I feel trapped in cycles of guilt and anger. Time apart has again clarified that my ideal of a mother-daughter relationship may never align with reality. Reconnecting with her fills me with dread.
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