My one-night stands mean my partner refuses to marry me | Ask Philippa

You’re chasing something that only you can give yourself: a feeling of security and self-worth

The question I’ve been with my partner for more than 25 years and while he’s perfect in pretty much every way, and I love him very much, I have a history – in our relationship – of casual sex and one-night stands. There have been periods of many years when I was monogamous, 10 years in particular during which our two children were born. Although he’s an attentive and selfless lover, he seldom interests me in that way and I still get an overwhelming kick from a one-night stand. I know I’ve damaged him with my behaviour, and that he feels inadequate, but I long for him to agree to marry me. I’ve proposed more than once, but he’s declined on account of my infidelity. Other than this issue, he makes life perfect for me and our family. I wish he knew how much he means to me, but I worry one day he’s just going to leave. How can I fix this?

Philippa’s answer What strikes me most is the contradiction between your deep love and appreciation for your partner and your simultaneous pursuit of sexual experiences outside the relationship. You describe him as “perfect in pretty much every way”, yet you also acknowledge your history of infidelity, which has understandably caused him pain and led to his hesitation about marriage. I want to explore this contradiction, because I sense it holds the key to understanding your inner struggle.

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