My boyfriend knows I don’t orgasm – but not that I feel no pleasure in sex at all
When a partner touches me during foreplay, they may as well be touching my knee. What can I do?
I’m a 22-year-old woman who has never had an orgasm. Growing up, I didn’t feel attracted to boys, so I assumed I must like women. As I got older I dated girls and boys, but it would end after the first make-out session, where I would find myself trying to watch television over their shoulder instead. I thought I must be asexual until I realised I do want to have sex when I fancy people, but as soon as it gets to touching private parts, mine feel no different than if someone were touching my knee. The missing ingredient is pleasure. I have tried masturbation but nothing works (I found myself laughing at porn as I couldn’t take it seriously). I have dated and had intercourse with a small number of people I trust and even discussed this issue with them. They were all understanding, but ultimately it led to the end of a few relationships as my partners felt guilty for not giving me pleasure and assumed I just didn’t like them. I am currently in a long-term relationship with a man who is gorgeous, ridiculously kind, a giver in bed and knows that I’ve never had an orgasm. What he doesn’t know is that I don’t feel any pleasure full stop. I worry that this is going to put a downer on our relationship.
You seem smart and insightful about your plight, and I’m sorry this is so hard for you. Human sexual responses are very complex. They involve physiological and anatomical mechanisms as well as psychologically and biologically driven elements. Hormonal factors play a large role, but so do less commonly understood issues such as distractibility. If there is a problem in any of the many foundational areas – for example, genital nerve damage – the system of desire, arousal, or orgasm can be affected. Since you want to experience pleasure, and since the source of your anhedonia (the inability to experience pleasure) is a mystery to you, I recommend you start exploring – with help from a sexual medicine specialist – each dimension in turn until you find answers and a way forward.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
Continue reading...-
Tiny Love Stories: ‘I Know You Don’t Watch the News’
Modern Love in miniature, featuring reader-submitted stories of no more than 100 words.The New York Times - 5d -
My partner reaches orgasm long before I do – then she loses all interest
It’s been like this for most of our 10 years together. I’m getting a little frustrated. My partner has little interest in foreplay and wants to move quickly to the main event. This nearly always ...The Guardian - 6d -
I feel guilty for having an emotional affair. How do I continue in my long-term relationship? | Leading questions
You don’t have to run screaming from this experience, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. Focus instead on how you’ll handle the attraction from here. Read more Leading questions ...The Guardian - Jan. 23 -
This is how we do it: ‘I definitely want sex more often than she does, but I don’t mind waiting’
For Elena and John, intimacy and trust has replaced that early urgent passion – but they still have their moments How do you do it? Share the story of your sex life, anonymously . He’s more ...The Guardian - Jan. 18 -
I live too far away from my boyfriend and our relationship is suffering | Ask Annalisa Barbieri
Periods of physical separation are common in most relationships and it takes effort – but you can have the best of both worlds • Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a problem sent in by a ...The Guardian - Jan. 17 -
‘I will gain no equity’: My boyfriend is buying a townhouse. How much should I pay him in rent?
“My partner earns about $60,000 a year. I earn about 25% more than he does.’MarketWatch - Jan. 12 -
Andrey Rublev: ‘I don’t feel any more that crazy anxiety and stress’
Russian world No 9 has become as well-known for hurting himself on court as for his tennis but feels he has turned a corner. ‘I’m definitely feeling much better,” Andrey Rublev says as, with ...The Guardian - Jan. 12 -
Callum Simpson: ‘Lily would want me to carry on … I know I made her proud through my boxing’
Before the defence of his British and Commonwealth belts, the 28-year-old reflects on the tragic death of his sister. “I’ve heard her voice in training sometimes,” Callum Simpson says quietly as he ...The Guardian - Jan. 11 -
My lover and I can’t stop having sex – and it’s disrupting our working lives
We have an insatiable desire for each other. But it’s stopping us developing the less sexual sides of our relationship. My partner and I, both of us women, have a lot of sex. It’s got to the ...The Guardian - Jan. 7
More from The Guardian
-
China unveils US tariffs and Google investigation in response to Trump levies
Tariffs on coal, LNG, crude oil and other goods announced after US imposes levy on imports. US China tariffs – live updates Business live – latest coverage Donald Trump has fired the ...The Guardian - 2h -
Rwandan-backed rebel group M23 declares unilateral ceasefire in DRC
Militias say decision is ‘for humanitarian reasons’, as UN says at least 900 killed in last week’s fighting with DRC forces. The Rwanda-backed M23 rebels who seized the city of Goma in eastern ...The Guardian - 44m -
Rubio welcomes Panama’s move to exit Chinese infrastructure plan as ‘great step forward’
News comes after US secretary of state visited Panama to pressure the country over its ties with Beijing. US secretary of state Marco Rubio has welcomed Panama’s decision to let its participation ...The Guardian - 5h -
Neil Gaiman: accuser files civil lawsuit alleging rape, sexual assault and human trafficking
Author’s former nanny accuses him of sexual assault and his estranged wife Amanda Palmer of ‘procuring’ her to be abused. A woman from New Zealand has filed a civil lawsuit against bestselling ...The Guardian - 4h -
Lung cancer diagnoses on the rise among never-smokers worldwide
Research shows need for further studies into air pollution and other causal factors, expert says. The proportion of people being diagnosed with lung cancer who have never smoked is increasing, with ...The Guardian - 11h
More in World
-
Manchester United face tough summer transfer window due to limited funds
Profit from player sales will again be key to signings United remain open to selling Garnacho and Mainoo Manchester United face another difficult transfer window in the summer due to limited ...The Guardian - 24m -
EU and Moldova agree on an energy security plan to wean the country off Russian supplies
Yahoo News - 40m -
Killer Mike sues security firm over Grammys arrest, alleging ‘public humiliation’
Rapper alleges assault, false arrest and more when he was detained shortly after winning three awards at 2024 ceremony. Killer Mike, the hip-hop artist known for his solo work as well as the duo ...The Guardian - 41m -
Italy itching to drop $24 billion on Lynx, Panther tanks, with amore
Yahoo News - 43m -
Rwandan-backed rebel group M23 declares unilateral ceasefire in DRC
Militias say decision is ‘for humanitarian reasons’, as UN says at least 900 killed in last week’s fighting with DRC forces. The Rwanda-backed M23 rebels who seized the city of Goma in eastern ...The Guardian - 44m
