Commemorative socks are one thing, Jeff Goldblum, but you’re missing a trick not doing official knickers | Stuart Heritage

Many stars blanch at their commodification. But as the master of drollery launches a new line of monogrammed merch, I think he isn’t going far enough

Jeff Goldblum is an actor. He has starred in films both cult (Earth Girls Are Easy) and blockbuster (Jurassic Park). He’s worked with Wes Anderson. He’s been part of the MCU. Last year he was in Wicked, a film that made three quarters of a billion dollars and won multiple Oscars. Make no mistake, Jeff Goldblum is an actor.

However, Jeff Goldblum is not just an actor. He is also Jeff Goldblum, and this in itself is a full-time job. He releases jazz albums. He conducts interviews where he ums and ahs over every idiosyncratic word choice, like a wan minor European royal choosing hors d’oeuvres from a silver tray. He has developed a system – and this sounds made up, but it isn’t – where he awards people and things a ranking of Goldblums out of a possible 10 Goldblums. When it came time to mark the 25th anniversary of Jurassic Park, how did Universal Pictures choose to do it? By building a 25ft statue of Goldblum with his shirt unbuttoned and plonking it right in the centre of London.